Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Ya Gotta Love George

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

by : George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I'm freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying,! paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt . I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good..... and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations" to their cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

And what the hell is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

OLE

Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidently cut off all ten of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in the Clinic and when he got there the Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"

To which Ole says........"How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up?

Subject: WOMEN IN HARDWARE STORES.................

Bobby was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Ann Marie to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Marie saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joey, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joey was finished, Ann Marie asked "How much for the teapot?"

Joey replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Marie exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bobby had sent her to buy and Joey went to the back room to find it. From the back room Joey yelled, "Marie, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Marie replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store.

Pat Robertson could use this as his excuse as to what he meant to say. A man walks into an adult toy store. He asks the merchant to direct him to the blow-up dolls. Merchant: Male or female? Man: Female. Merchant: Black or white? Man: White Merchant: Christian or Muslim? Man: What does that have to do with anything? Merchant: The Muslim can blow herself up.

Here is a Window Media Video, for which you must have the player to see it. The juggler does an amazing job playing a musical instrument in an unusual way. Don't miss it!

They say these are the latest styles in dressware for women in Japan. Note that these are NOT see throughs, merely the patterns printed on the skirts or dresses. How would they look in America or Europe?