Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

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Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

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Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

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Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

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Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

37.
Something Famous Quotes to lighten up the day

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good .. spit it out!! ~ Unknown

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever een. I have since been visited by her sister . . and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa
Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~ Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
you nothing. It was here first. ~ Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop
dying. ~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires.......but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up' ~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time
for my nap. ~Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through Congress. ~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older, it will
avoid you. ~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
go anywhere. ~ Billy Crystal

The Clinton Dollar.

How To Avoid The

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of
fruits and veggies.


Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.


Get plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune system.


Walk for at least an hour a day,


go for a swim,


take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.


Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.


Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.


Try to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you can.


Get plenty of rest.
OR

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!"

Live Well - Laugh Often - Love Much