The Cruise

Diary of my six day Bahamas cruise.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE

I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've
packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY TWO

We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw
some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has
started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice
man.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE

I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding
and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join
him at his table for dinner. I felt honoured and we had a wonderful
time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR

Went to the ship's casino. Did OK ... won about $80. The
Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We
had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked
me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I
could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE

Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided
to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The
Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a
charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night
and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way
with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

I saved 1600 lives today .... twice !!!!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by! The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hardon and fell off my perch!"

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day!

To Be 6 Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, and the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach In Tampa. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

  The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.   She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

  Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.   Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:   "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Can you believe that this really happened?

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die, just in case. This is so priceless, and so easy to see appening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00, now it is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either reports her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax: Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
--

Welcome to FLORIDA



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