Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

I knew it, I just knew it!!! I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E

2% Aspirin

2% Ibuprofen

1% Vitamin C

5% Spray Starch

87% Fix-A-Flat

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey; the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.


The moral of the story?


If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass good-bye.


Have A Nice Day;
Be Careful With Your Donkey

Now here is one great trick. If you like to read menus, how about using them as a source for food. You must have WMV capability.
Click here to start

Subject: DRESSING FOR HALLOWEEN

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to
dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon
between her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried,"You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you!"

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a
potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, "You're going out like that?" and he replies,

"Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator.

WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Now for the Power of Makeup
Before & After

Subject: the old farmer and the mule

A farmer had a horrible wife who nagged him mercilessly. From morning till night (and sometimes later) she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife lit into him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet and caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice she looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale----------"

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty two.

And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty six.

And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty four ... "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"

The woman answered,

"Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."

A little boy asked his teacher if he could  go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no  toilet paper, so he used his hand. In his haste to get back to class he forgot to wash, so he made a closed fist to hide it.

When he got back to class, his teacher  asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your  hand?"

So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my  hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do  you have in your hand?

So again the little boy said, "A little  leprechaun and if I open my hand he will get scared away."

Then his Mom got really mad and yelled, "Open your hand NOW!"

And the little boy said, "Oh great Mom, now  look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"

Ahh .... Women.... Men would agree !!