Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

A little humor.

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.  She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Subject: Two Drops of Water

Scotch and Water
This story is for Senior Citizens. If you don't yet qualify,
save a copy till you do.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch
with two drops of water.
The bartender gives her the drink, and she says, "I'm on this
cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one
is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,

"I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The woman says, "Thank you, how sweet of you.
OK then, Bartender, I want a Scotch
with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
"I would like to buy you a drink too."
The woman says, "Thank you very much my dear. 

Bartender, I'll have another Scotch
with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink this time, he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggles and replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age,
you've learned how to hold your liquor. 
Water, however, is a whole other issue!"

Why we lock our doors in Florida

This is an actual picture taken by the homeowner's neighbor.

And we were worried about the mosquitoes???!

Subject: Neiman-Marcus cookies
Enjoy the recipe and pass it on.
THIS IS A TRUE STORY!

My daughter and I had just finished a salad at a Neiman-Marcus Cafe, in Dallas, and we decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus cookie." It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe, and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not, but you can buy the recipe."

Well, I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty -it's a great deal!" I agreed to that, and told her to just add it to my tab. Thirty days later, received my VISA statement, and the Neiman-Marcus charge was $285.00!

I looked again, and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement it said, "Cookie Recipe-$250.00". That was outrageous! I called Neiman's Accounting Department and told them the waitress said it was "two fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any reasonable interpretation of the phrase. Neiman-Marcus refused to budge.

They would not refund my money because, according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe. We absolutely will not refund your money at this point.

"I explained to the Accounting Department lady the criminal statutes which govern fraud in the state of Texas . I threatened to report them to the Better Business Bureau and the Texas Attorney General's office for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want. Don't bother thinking of how you can get even, and don't bother trying to get any of your money back."

I just said, Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus...for free. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this."

I said, "Well, perhaps you should have thought of that before you ripped me off!" and slammed down the phone.

So here it is! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 for this, and I don't want Neiman-Marcus EVER make another penny off of this recipe!

NEIMAN-MARCUS COOKIES (Recipe may be halved)


2 cups butter
24 oz. chocolate chips
4 cups flour
2 cups brown sugar
2 tsp. soda
1 tsp. salt
2 cups sugar
1- 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
5 cups blended oatmeal
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
2 tsp. vanilla
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)

Measure oatmeal, and blend in a blender to a fine powder.
Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla.
Mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda.
Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar, and nuts. Roll into balls, and Place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees.
Makes 112 cookies.

PLEASE READ THE RECIPE AND SEND IT TO EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW WHO HAS AN E-MAIL ADDRESS!

THIS IS REALLY TERRIFIC!! Even if the people on your e-mail list don't eat sweets send it to them and ask them to pass it on. Let's make sure we get this ladies $250.00 worth. Enjoy the cookies, they are good....

Subject: Word Origins

Manure -

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by sailing ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term"Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I thought it was a golf term.

Subject: talk about open mouth, insert foot!!!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

............................................................................

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

............................................................................

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-redand walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

............................................................................

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

.........................................................................................

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go. He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

............................................................................

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

We were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks
over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

I said "I notice you've been watching that man for some
time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been
drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

I said, "That's remarkable, I wouldn't think anybody could
celebrate that long."

She hasn't spoken to me since - did I say something wrong?

AN AMAZING GROUP OF FACTS CONCERNING MOSES AND THE GANG WHEN THEY DEPARTED EGYPT.  WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED TO BE THE CHIEF OF THE SUPPLY DEPARTMENT.

Turn the volume up!!

AWESOME

This is almost overwhelming when you think about it.

You MUST read to the end: (smile)

Moses and the people were in the desert, but  what was he going to do with them?

They had to be fed, and feeding 2 or 3 million people requires a lot of food.

According to the Quartermaster General in the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have had 1500 tons of food each day. Do you know that to bring that much food each day, two freight trains, each at least a mile long, would be required!

Besides you must remember, they were out in the desert, so they would have to have firewood to use in cooking the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a  mile long, just for one day.

And just think, they were forty years in transit.

And Oh yes!  They would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day and a freight train with tank cars, 1800 miles long, just to bring water!

And then another thing!

They had to get across the Red Sea at night. Now, if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through. So there had to be a space in the Red Sea, 3 miles wide so that they could walk 5000 abreast to get over in one night.

But then, there is another problem...............each time they camped at the end of the day, a campground two-thirds the size of the state of Rhode Island was required, or a total of 750 square miles long........ think of it! This much space for camping.

Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left Egypt?

Arkansas Surgeons

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas .  A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England ."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a Train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York