Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Subject: Fourth Marriage

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately
and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

(Ed Note: Another view at SNOPES http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/sheehangrave.asp lets you in on the truth. For the first two years there was no marker. Now as to the part about no marker is TRUE for the first two years. and FALSE as to NOW.)

Subject: "Peace Mom"

I TRUST THIS WILL MAKE THE ROUNDS THROUGH OUR MILITARY COMMUNITY.



Obviously, it's a picture in a cemetery. What cemetery and whose grave? Sadly, it's the grave of Casey Sheehan. After two years, and a Dept of Defense payment of $250,000 to the "Peace Mom," Cindy Sheehan has not had the time or bothered to have a headstone placed on this young hero's grave. And, she doesn't even have to pay for one, the DOD will provide one:

"The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) furnishes upon request, at no charge to the applicant, a government headstone or marker for the grave of any deceased eligible veteran in any cemetery around the world. For all deaths occurring before September 11, 2001, the VA may provide a headstone or marker only for graves that are not marked with a private headstone. Flat markers in granite, marble, and bronze and upright headstones in granite and marble are available. The style chosen must be consistent with existing monuments at the place of burial. Niche markers are also available to mark columbaria used for internment of cremated remains."

Apparently she can find time to protest on at least 3 continents, get arrested various times, go on vacation in Hawaii, have photo op's with the Marxists in Venezuela, but can't seem to find the time to properly mark her son's grave.

Ever wonder what the expression "stuck on stupid" meant?

Well here is an example:



The grinning idiot clinging to Jesse Jackson is Cindy Sheehan... the sob sister protesting the war at Bush's ranch, who lost her son in the war, the same son she gave up in her divorce when he was 7 years old.

And by the way if you wonder why she has so much free time ... she is going through another divorce right now and guess what? She is giving up custody of another son.

As Forest Gump once wisely proclaimed, "Stupid is as stupid does."

Please DO pass this one along

(Ed Note: Here we go again, another FALSE story running around the web. Check it out at SNOPES: http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/cookplastic.asp )

Subject: UPDATE from John Hopkins

Hospital-IMPORTANT! CANCER UPDATE FROM JOHN HOPKINS HOSPITAL , U S - PLEASE READ

1. No plastic containers in micro.
2. No water bottles in freezer.
3. No plastic wrap in microwave.

Johns Hopkins has recently sent this out in its newsletters. This information is being circulated at Walter Reed Army Medical Center as well. Dioxin chemicals causes cancer, especially breast cancer. Dioxins are highly poisonous to the cells
of our bodies. Don't freeze your plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the plastic.

Recently, Dr. Edward Fujimoto, Wellness Program Manager at Castle Hospital , was on a TV program to explain this health hazard. He talked about dioxins and how bad they are for us. He said that we should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic containers. This especially applies to foods that contain fat. He said that the combination of fat, high heat, and plastics releases dioxin into the food and ultimately into the cells of the body.

Instead, he recommends using glass, such as Corning Ware, Pyrex or ceramic containers for heating food. You get the same results, only without the dioxin. So such things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc., should be removed from the
container and heated in something else. Paper isn't bad but you don't know what is in the paper. It's just safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc. He reminded us that a while ago some of the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons.

Also, he pointed out that plastic wrap, such as Saran, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover food with a paper towel instead.

This is an article that should be sent to anyone important in your life!

Subject: Right or left handed golf

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up. "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early - at 6.30am. He figured the early tee-off time would discourage her immediately.

The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6.30 or 6.45."

She showed up right at 6.30 and wound up beating all three of them with aAn eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6.30 or 6.45."

The next week, she again showed up at 6.30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now, the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing him up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her! In the third week, they all had their game faces on. But this week, she was 15 minutes late!

This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up. This week, the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no-one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed ?"

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his "you-know-what" was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed, and if it was pointing to the left, I golfed left-handed."

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it pointed straight up in the air ?"

She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."

Subject: Best Joke Of The Year

And the joke is on us.

"GOD BLESS AMERICA"

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Subject: BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says..... "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps FREE medical care and free education!" The passer-by says..."You make mistake, I am Mexican". The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!" The person says.... "I no American, I Vietnamese The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says....."Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am not an American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" Puzzled he asks her..... "Where are all the Americans?" The Russian lady checks her watch and says.... "They're probably all at work!"

Subject: Things Cats Should Remember

Meow!

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.

I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing (especially right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files").

Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.

If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.

My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.

The cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.

I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.

I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

Even though I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.

Subject: I NEED YOUR HELP!

I'm trying to find out which Sears sells this mirror!!!

Subject: BUY A DOG

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section

Buy a dog.



If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you

Buy a dog.



If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it

Buy a dog



If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want

Buy a dog.



If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

Buy a dog.



If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

Buy a dog.



If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually

Buy a dog.



But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...

Then.......................

Buy a cat!



(You thought I was talking about a man didn't you?)

Subject: Men's answer to Maxine

Men's answer to Maxine



Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth !


AND MAXINE SAYS.....