Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Subject: A Chinese Honeymoon

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring . "My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you wahn, I do anyting - juss anyting you wahn. Whatchou wahn?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wahn to try somethin I have heard about .. numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries.."You wahn...Chicken wiff Broccori?"

Subject:SOMETHING WRONG?


We were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks
over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

I said "I notice you've been watching that man for some
time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been
drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

I said, "That's remarkable, I wouldn't think anybody could
celebrate that long."

She hasn't spoken to me since - did I say something wrong?

Subject: Pilots in Heaven

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired Delta Airlines Pilot from Miami."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood.? How can this be?"

"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter,"while you preached - - people slept; while he flew - - people prayed."

A few Old Lady Cartoons:

Here is one of those great Bud Commercials. Best with Windows Media Player.
Click here for the WMV short

Quickies

John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?" Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral". John says: "what is oral?" Grandpa: "I say Fuck you, and she says: Fuck you too"
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The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!
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A man is dying of cancer. His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?".
Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare to screw your mother."
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"I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it"
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Question: "Why is a waist called a waist?"
Answer: "because anything above the pussy and below the tits is a waste"
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A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?"
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Question: "what's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?"
Answer "BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"
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Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally realized with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth buying the whole pig.

Athens and the U.S.

At about the time our original thirteen states adopted their new constitution in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinborough, had this to say about "The Fall of the Athenian Republic" some 2,000 years prior.

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover that they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury.

From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse over loose fiscal policy, (which is) always followed by a dictatorship.

 "The average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years.  During those 200 years, these nations always progressed through the following sequence From bondage to spiritual faith, From spiritual faith to great courage, From courage to liberty, From liberty to abundance, From abundance to complacency, From complacency to apathy; From apathy to dependence, From dependence back into bondage."

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St.  Paul, Minnesota, points out some interesting facts concerning the most recent American Presidential election :  Population of counties won by: Gore, 127 million; Bush, 143 million; Square miles of land won by: Gore, 580,000; Bush, 2,427,000; States won by: Gore, 19; Bush, 29; Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Gore, 13.2; Bush, 2.1.

Professor Olson adds, "In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned by the tax-paying citizens of this great country. Gore's territory encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off government welfare..."

Olson believes the U. S. is now somewhere between the "apathy" and the "complacency" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some 40 per cent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.