Subject: fwd: Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact:

"Mary . .. Mary?"

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

Subject: Job applickashun

Deer Sir,

I wanna apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and can sulve Solitair in 20 seconds in the Profi mode. I love speaking on the telefone and because of that I do talk to my frends on it for about houers a day.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited. I have a small problem from wen I was born (I have a funnie culor hair), but find that I offen get a job no problem, so you can pay me what you theenk that I am werth,

Thank you in idvance fore yore anser.

Yore best aplicant so far

BS : Because my resime is a bit short below is a picksure of me taken at my last jobb .



.... it's ok honey, we've got spell check!

This girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.

CHINESE PROVERBS (Really????)

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Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

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Man who run in front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind car get exhausted.

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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

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Man with one chopstick go hungry.

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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is,you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,"I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me.

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super omputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it."Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed", God said to Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."

Subject: Mature Golf

A Husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there apologize and see how much is going to cost us.."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said,"Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A big black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh.yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the black genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the black genie said "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the black genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours, the black genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies!"

Subject: 5 Women Waiting for the Perfect Man