Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Subject: A Can of Peaches

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?" The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

When we hit retirement age we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

You can live in Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. :-)
2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads.
7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone .
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building .
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from ' round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You remind your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and five neighborhood children think you are calling them.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND

You can live in Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

Stage Fright

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play.

The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden, I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope". The second little boy was to reply by saying"Hark! a pistol shot."

Well on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified!

They stood! there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words "My fair maiden, I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bullshit! I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway!

The audience left howling

Subject: VERY SAD NEWS There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington , DC this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a
Nativity Scene in Washington , DC this Christmas
season. This isn't for any religious reason, they
simply have not been able to find three wise men and a
virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem,
however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Subject: Hard to Please

Soon after my wife and I met, she mentioned how she really wished that she could afford a riding lawnmower. She was a single gal that worked all day and was often tired in the evening when she got home from work.

So, being the handy sort of guy that I was, I made her a riding lawnmower.

I guess I thought she would squeal with delight and give me a big hug.

To this day I have never been able to understand why women are so hard to please.

Subject: Golf

Four old men came into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, "Did you gents have a good game today?"

The first man said, "Oh, I had three riders today."

The second man said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third man said, "I did about the usual. I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't you proud of me?"

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the men telling of their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

You're going to love this....

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

Subject: Red Hat?????

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight, so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her & said, "Pardon me, madam. I don't intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties & your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Subject: You will love this!!

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!" And doing so draws and even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'm being SCREWED!!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded

Sheldon, The Perfect Man

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.

"Not Sheldon. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. He was more handsome and sophisticated than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something. SomehowSheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy. He had a memory like a computer; could remembereverybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"Wow, incredible, no wonder you remember him!"

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"After he died, I married his wife."