Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Subject: A Blonde's Year in Review

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours.... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days..... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911. "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

Subject: THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)


"My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Subject: Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . .

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

Subject: this is cute

Subject: Final argument...

The last argument-----

O.K. Honey! We're here! You can come out now.

Subject: DEEP THOUGHTS~~~~

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.



Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You
better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Subject: The Old Arab

An Arab family in N.Y. was considering putting their grandfather in a Nursing home.

Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home un Brooklyn.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," Says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong Place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the Residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the Violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on The bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!"

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years ! Old. He hasn't been practising medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.

"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The fucking Arab!"

Subject: Hollywood Squares

Those of you who are younger than 45 years old, pass this onto the geriactric group on your email list.... then look this tv show up online. Personally, I think "they" should bring this show back with current day comedians!!!!!! It was a goodie during it's time on-air in the 70's.:)

Original Hollywood Squares...

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics. These questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver (aka Clifford Arquette ): Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands& while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Subject: Have You Seen This One Yet?

Even if you are a fan (?) you have to laugh!!

What is this?



It's a "Hill-Billy"

Subject: Charley and Amy's Children to Parent Dictionary

Among the languages considered most difficult for speakers of English to learn are: Chinese, Hindi, Arabic, Bengali, and, of course Yiddish. Yet these are a breeze compared with attempting to decipher the meanings behind the things that children say to their parents.

This is so because children have over centuries developed their own language. And why not? They can't drive. They can't vote. They can't sequester juries. Language is one of the few things, aside from the cat, over which they can exercise a certain degree of power and control.

Feeling that a children-to-parent dictionary might be useful, I enlisted the aid of my two children, Charley, 10, and Amy, 5, as researchers. I hadn't planned on naming them here, but that was one of the perks they demanded. They also insisted on pizza every night for the next two years, and final approval of my will.

I was going to say no to them, but was afraid they'd grow up and write a Daddy Dearest book --which would not only be harmful to my reputation, but I'll be damned if my kids are going to have a book published before I do.

In any case, here are some highlights from our mutual effort, the world's first Children-To-Parent Dictionary... What's that?... Oh, excuse me; my kids just corrected me. It's Charley And Amy's Children-To-Parent Dictionary:

* I didn't ask to be born. Because you and mom didn't consult me before breeding, I now have license to get away with everything I've ever done, am doing, or plan to do.
* My stomach hurts. It suddenly occurs to me that sitting on the couch all day while eating Cocoa Puffs and watching cartoons would be far more enjoyable than serving another day's sentence in that horrifying hell-hole you refer to as "school."
* Billy's mom lets him. Your decision to forbid me from having my own pocket knife, however well-intended, seems rather unfair, in view of the fact that one of my friend's parents doesn't seem to mind her son traipsing around with a lethal weapon. (See: I didn't ask to be born, above)

What's that? Oh, excuse me; my kids just corrected me. It's the "Charley And Amy's Children-To-Parent Dictionary."

* I'm full. After eating a Hostess Ding-Dong, some potato chips, a fudgesicle, five Oreos, and three licorice sticks at 4:30, strangely enough I don't seem to have much of an appetite for my supper. But, darn the luck, that broccoli looks awfully tasty. So, anyway, what's for dessert?
* I'm bored. My bedroom contains 50 books I haven't read yet, at least that many games, a fully-loaded computer, my violin I'm supposed to be practicing, my homework I'm supposed to be doing, various science experiments, and three friends who have come over to play with me -- but I haven't rented a video game in at least four days, so can I?
* I did brush my teeth already. Now that I'm aware of your technique for checking, I've wet my toothbrush and placed a dab of dried toothpaste by the corner of my mouth, thereby completing my third week in a row of making you think I give a rat's whisker about dental hygiene.
* I love you. I broke your favorite lamp, my teacher's about to call you in for the fourth conference in two weeks, I want to sleep over at my hyperactive friend Petey's house tonight, and can we get another dog?
* I hate you. Just to be mean, you've forbidden me from dangling the cat out the window by its tail. I can't wait 'til I'm grown up and have my own house. I'll be dangling the cat out the window by its tail all day long and there won't be anyone to tell me I can't.
* Barney's stupid. Despite the fact that that purple dinosaur's show was my favorite for two years in a row, I now have the wisdom, maturity, and good sense to realize what a nauseatingly syrupy dork he is, and so am determined to ruin one of my little sister's few pleasures by singing anti-Barney songs at the top of my lungs while she's trying to enjoy the show.
* Nothing. A superb, all-purpose answer to any one of thousands of parent questions, including: What did you do in school today? What would you like to do during your three week winter break from school? What would you like for dinner tonight? What do you have to say to your sister after drawing moustaches on her Dora the Explorer posters?
* I don't want any chocolate ice cream. I have a physical ailment that is so serious that I can't even think straight. Please get me to the doctor immediately so he can correct it and I can be back in Chocolate Land as soon as possible.
* Hold me. Thereby neutralizing the use of your arms, so you can do precious little else but focus on me, which, after all, is what you should be doing 24 hours a day anyway. (See: I didn't ask to be born, above).
* I want to take karate lessons. Despite the fact that I have shown less than zero interest thus far in any activity more strenuous than changing the TV channel, I just saw some TV super-heroes kick the stuffing out of these bad guys, and thought, heck, if I could learn to inflict pain and human suffering like that, it would be really cool, especially if there was blood involved.
* I want that. The phrase to be uttered whenever any commercial starts.
* Can you help me with my homework? Could you do my homework for me while I watch The Simpsons?
* Can I sleep in your bed? Can I do everything in my power to insure that you get no sleep?
* Yucky. The all-purpose description for any food item that does not fall into the starch category, such as fruits and vegetables, or, for that matter, any food whatsoever that does not come in a Day-Glo colored box with free easily-breakable toys inside and a coupon to send for something that mom and dad are bound to say is disgusting, over-priced and unnecessary.
* The DVD player doesn't work anymore. I didn't see any manufacturer's notice on it saying not to shove peanut butter sandwiches into its disc drive, did you?
* Where are you going? If it's within 250 miles of a Blockbuster Video store, could I come with you? I heard they just got in Super Nintendo's new Hell's Fatal Rotten Bloody Carnage, Part Two--Championship Edition, and you promised I could rent a game if I finished my book report on Gandhi.
* We never get to have any fun! Today's eighth TV commercial for Disneyland has just aired, and you said we don't have $150 to toss at the Magic Kingdom every time Goofy appears asking us to bring mom and dad for a swell time. I'll tell you one thing -- when I'm a grownup, I'm going to get a job at Disneyland so I'll be able to be there all the time. I may even live there. Then I'll have fun for the rest of my life.