Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

A Way To Go

An old pastor was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his Lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old pastor would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

OLE AND LENA

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you, Ole?" Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?" "Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

Blonde LOGIC

A REVIEW OF SOME OF THE STORIES

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says... "Helloooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

More Blonde Logic

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Finally, some definitions that make sense.........Someone had to do a lot of thinking to come up with these.

ADULT:- A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: - A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:- Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:-The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: - Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: -Cold Storage.
INFLATION: - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: -An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:-Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: - Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: - A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: - The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: - One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: - An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:- Something other people have- You have character lines.

147.
Subject: TURN ABOUT IS FAIR PLAY

If life were fair............
Wouldn't you like to see Judge Alito and Chief Justice Roberts questioning the Democrat Senators to determine their qualifications for Public office? Just imagine matching the IQs of the Senators and the Judges!

The questions might go like this:
Judge Alito (JA): "Senator Kennedy, I see from your official resume that you attended Harvard University..."
Senator Kennedy (SK): "Yes, your honor, I certainly did"
JA: "Did you graduate?"
SK: "Your honor, I respectfully ask that you not pry into my personal life..."
JA: "Is it not true that you were expelled from Harvard for violating the honor code, to wit, you hired someone to take an exam for you?"
SK: "Mr. Chairman, I want to go on record that I disagree with this line of questioning. I ask the chair to order the Judge from asking questions about my private matters.."
Senator Specter, Chairman of the Judiciary Committee: "Answer the Judge's questions. He answered all of yours.."
JA: "Senator Kennedy, we have on hand a transcript of the session of the university's honor council attesting to your fraudulent examination and subsequent expulsion from the university..."
SK: "I have had all I can take of this line of unreasonable questioning. I am going to ask Al Gore how he managed to keep his early departure from Vanderbilt University Divinity School away from the eyes of you religious nuts..."
JA: "Wait, Senator Kennedy, I want to ask you about the 26 phone calls you made from a motel room the night Mary Jo Kopecne drowned in your car at Chappaquidik, when you said you were asleep all night..." [ Kennedy flees the hearing room ]
Senator Specter: "Chief Justice Roberts [CJR] will now interrogate Senator Biden [SB}, Democrat of Delaware..."
CJR: "Senator Biden, is it not true that you were expelled from law school for plagiarizing another student's work?"
SB: "Wait, Ted, I am going with you..." [ Biden flees the hearing room ]
Senator Specter: "Judge Alito will now interrogate Senator Feinstein, Democrat of California..."
JA: "Senator Feinstein [SF], why did you vote for the former Grand Kleagle of the Ku Klux Klan of West Virginia [Robert Byrd] to be the Democrat Senate Majority Leader in 1986, 1988, 1990, and 1992?"
SF: "Wait, boys, I am going with you..." [Feinstein flees the hearing room ]

End of hearing

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

More Blonce Logic

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

And FINALLY,
THE BLONDE DOG OWNER

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

What Are Grandmas? (Written by a third grader)

A grandma is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other peoples. A grandfather is a man grandma. Grandmas don't have to do anything except be there. They are old, so they shouldn't play hard or run, just garden. It's enough if they drive us to the store and have a lot of dimes ready. When they take us for walks they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They never say, "Hurry Up." Usually grandmas are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth out. Grandmas don't have to be smart, they only have to answer questions like... "Is God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?" When they read to us, they don't skip lines or mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandma, especially if you don't have a TV... because grandmas are the only grown-ups who have the time for us!