Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Subject: I LOVE THIS COMEBACK...

One of my sons serves in the military.

He is stationed stateside, here in California. He called me yesterday to let me know how warm and welcoming people were to him and his troops everywhere they go. Telling me how people shake their hands and thank them for being willing to serve and fight, not only our own freedoms but so that others may have them too.

Then he told me about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at yesterday, on his way home from the base. He said that several people were in the line ahead of him, including a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when she got to the cashier, she made a loud remark about the U.S. Flag, lapel pin, the cashier wore on her smock.

The cashier reached up and touched the pin and said, 'Yes, I always wear it proudly, because I'm an American.' The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi.

Then, a Gentleman standing behind my son stepped forward, putting his arm around my son's shoulders and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman: Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have fought and died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there today.

But, hey, if you have now learned how to speak out so loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way back to Iraq, so you can straighten out the Mess in YOUR country, that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid.'

Everyone within hearing distance cheered!

IF YOU AGREE... Pass this on to all of your proud American friends. I just did.

Subject: Street Begger: to my friends of all persuasions

Expect this in YOUR neighborhood......

Subject: If you were around in 1919.... Fugly

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster.........



Would you quit drinking?

Subject: Children's science exam answers

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers.....

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer! )

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie

Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Subject: Taking a Swim

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.

Subject: Got Tech Support???

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============

Tech support: ;Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and.
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah............thank you.
===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Te ch support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P " to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

Subject: ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. In fact, just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Subject: fortune teller

After Bill had spent several days campaigning for her and had lost his temper many times, costing her votes and finally escaping from her overly controlling campaign manager for the evening, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year just after you lose the election.'

Then the soothsayer looked up and locked eyes with Hillary, who was visibly shaken at this news. Hillary stared back at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She looked back, deep into the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her the big question:

'Will I be acquitted?'

Subject: The funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers sat around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelation.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"

Subject: Great war story

you knew it was coming. . . . .