Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Be Careful For What You wish

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger with grilled onions, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $12.42 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of money containing the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until a later visit, "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak with mushrooms, baked potato, and salad with blue cheese," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

That's brilliant!!!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a Tall Chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

Sharing Everything

This is what marriage is about:

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered:

(This is great).........arrow down

"THE TEETH."

Subject: What does Mona Lisa do when the museum is closed?

Farmer's Daughters

Subject: FARMERS DAUGHTERS

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: The baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,

"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

Subject: Harvard Test

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.

Subject: Yo Daddy

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ... and watch the 'spression on yo face.

Subject: British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decided to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wandered around, taking in all the sights, and occasionally stopped at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he found himself in a very high-class area... big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really needed to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He found a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve the problem. As he unzipped, he felt a tap on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who said, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He lead him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opened. "In there," points the Bobbie.

"Whiz away Sir, anywhere you want." The fellow entered and found himself in the most beautiful garden he had ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he had the cop's blessing, he unburdened himself and became greatly relieved.

As he meandered back through the gate, he mentioned to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Fifty Years Ago

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around back there and we can do it again for old time's sake?" "Oh Buddy, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but I like the idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is AMAZED! He realizes he has just learned something about life that he had not known before. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, "This was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is." As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?" Luigi said, "Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us and a say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car'. "So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino!"

Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club acar.' "So, we go to club car. While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar.

The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car.' "We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice, 'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'

"Next time, I'm a gonna take a da bus. "