Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

TRANSLATIONS WORD FOR WORD CAN PRODUCE UNDESIRABLE RESULTS

1) Roman Doctor: ”Specialist in women and other diseases.”

2) Bucharest elevator: ”The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret you will be unbearable.”

3) Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have fit upstairs.”

4) Acapulco hotel: ”The manager has personally passed all the water served here.”

5) Swedish furrier: ”Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.”

6) Copenhagen airline: “We take your bags and send them in all directions.”:

Dusting The Room

Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.

"A house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture."

I can't tell you how many countless hours that I have spent CLEANING! I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect --"in case someone came over." Then I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!

Now, when people visit, I find no need to explain the "condition" of my home. They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun.

If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed the following advice. Life is short. Enjoy it! Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake a cake or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time, with rivers to swim and mountains to climb, music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind.

And when you go -- and go you must – you, yourself will make more dust!

Subject: BEAR REMOVER

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

The Coffee Machine

1. CLICK ON THE LINK - You must have Flash capability on your machine.

2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE

3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK

4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY

5. CLICK ON "APRI" (This one is very important, don't forget!)

Click here to start the the Flash file

The source of this Flash has more humorous Flash object.

Subject: Car Recovery

You must again have Flash capability for this next Flash movie.

Click here to start the Flash

Stress Reliever # 1

Wife: Why do you always carry my photo in your briefcase?
Hubby: When there is a problem at work, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Stress Reliever # 2

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: That's because we aren't married yet.
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Stress Reliever # 3

Young son: Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mum: Well, you did the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap at the time!!
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Stress Reliever # 4

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with my friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
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Stress Reliever # 5

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly," I would have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
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Stress Reliever # 6

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend borrowed it. He wanted to scare his parents."
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Stress Reliever # 7

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He's the original owner."
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Stress Reliever # 9

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"...
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
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Stress Reliever # 10

Interviewer to Millionaire: What is the secret of your success in becoming a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe it all to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
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Stress Reliever # 11

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
Guy to girl: Thanks for the warning.
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Stress Reliever # 12

A husband was asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Only if there is a phone nearby."
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Stress Reliever # 13

Man to wife on wedding night: "Are you sure I'm the first man you have ever slept with?"
Wife replied: "Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"
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Stress Reliever # 14

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I love your sense of humour."
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Stress Reliever # 15

Doctor to his lady patient: "You look terribly weak and exhausted!
Are you having three meals a day as I advised?"
Lady: "Doctor, I thought you said three males a day."

Another Old Priest Dying Joke, with different people involved.

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for one of his aides to come near.

"Yes father" said the aide. "I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Charles Schumer before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, father" replied the aide.

The aide sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Schumer would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Schumer commented to Kennedy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images after the number the Republicans have done on us." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in his right hand and Schumer's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Senator Kennedy spoke "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen," said Kennedy. "Amen," said Schumer.

The old priest continued..."He died between two thieves. I would like to do the same."

Sanity is only Temporary

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping into the pool and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. "How soon can I go home?"

Getting Heavier?

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season