Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......"

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Subject: WHAT HEALTH PLAN DO YOU HAVE??

HEALTH PLANS

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."

Subject: The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man.

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina ."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina ."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney.

She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember....

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. You don't stop laughing because you grow old--You grow old because you stop laughing .

Nice Hair

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of
air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,

What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget. .

Good Choice

As we age, our priorities change....

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went golfing.

This woman actually walked down a busy street in Amsterdam with no "real" clothes -- only those painted on her. Most passersby didn't even give her a second look because the paint looked so much like clothing. YES, she is totally naked!

The red high heels are real

Subject: THINGS THAT NEED ANSWERS

• I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
• I had amnesia once -- or twice.
• I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
• Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.
• Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
• Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.
• One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
• When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a 20 penny nail.
• What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
• My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• The speed of time is one-second per second.
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
• Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?