Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Safety Sleeves

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? "

The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

Subject: Handy Solutions

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Sealed envelope ! - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed. (hmmmmmm...)
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Use empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
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For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: Get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. (Wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
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Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is it !).
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Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
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Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. And now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way!
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Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! Now, where to put the body?
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Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
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Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
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Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will Smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.
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Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
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To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
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To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
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Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
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Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it Will keep for weeks. When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
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Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
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Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. Left over wine? What's that?! :)
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To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area. And you will experience instant relief.
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Ants, ants, ants everywhere . Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.
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Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
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When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. ! ;Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
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Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China ! .
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Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
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Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
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Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
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Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer Tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.
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Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely) information on to a friend! I just did. Makes you wonder about ingesting Alka Seltzer, doesn't it? ;)

AAAHHHHHHH ! And you thought you had seen everything!

WATER BRIDGE ... OVER A RIVER!!!



Even after you see it, it is still hard to believe! Water Bridge in Germany.... What a feat!

Six years, 500 million euros, 918 meters long.......now this engineering!

This is a channel-bridge over the River Elbe and joins the former East and West Germany .
It is located in the city of Magdeburg, near Berlin. The photo was taken on the day of inauguration.

To those who appreciate engineering projects....

Subject: The Cat in the Hat

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987 . They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle cap s have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a! Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styr ofoam containers

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. S! ave the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading!

Subject: Only in New York, or "I was here first."

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though".

Subject: A Gay Baby

A little BrokeBack Mtn. humor---

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other."All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass."

Subject: Choice? Smooth-talking Cajun

Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty one day.

Boudreaux's first assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans an' you goes to Iraq an' gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da the governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!"

"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq first?