Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Pastor's Ass

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one! and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. Headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

They buried the Bishop the next day.

Subject: Birth...

Should Children Witness Childbirth? This is one of the funniest I've ever read!

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again."

Kids are Quick

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North  America .
MARIA:        Here it  is.
TEACHER:    Correct.  Now class, who discovered  America?
CLASS:        Maria.
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TEACHER:    Greg, how would you spell  "crocodile?"
GREG:          K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER:    No Greg, that's  incorrect.
GREG:         Maybe it's  incorrect, but you asked me how I spelled it.
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TEACHER:    Ryan, what is the chemical formula for water?  
RYAN:         H I J K L M N  O
TEACHER:    Ryan, what are you talking  about?
RYAN:         Well, yesterday  you said it was H to O.
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TEACHER:    Hunter, name one important thing that we have  today that we didn't have 10 years ago.
HUNTER:       Me !
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TEACHER:    Adam, why do you always get so  dirty?
ADAM:        Well, I guess it's  because I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER:    Beth, give me a sentence starting with  "I".
BETH:         I  is...........
TEACHER:    No Beth.....Always say "I  am".....not "I is".  
BETH:         OK......."I am the  ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Alex, do you know why his father didn't punish him?  
ALEX:         Because George  still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER:   Now, Macy, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
MACY:        No Ma'am,  I don't have to.  My mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER:   Daniel, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's composition.  Did you copy off of him?
DANIEL:      No teacher, it's the  same dog.
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TEACHER:  Parker, what do you call a person who keeps on talking to people who are no longer interested?
PARKER:   A  Teacher

STORIES ON SENIORS

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,   "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim said, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.


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Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


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Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."


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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. After another couple of days later, the doctor called Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you? Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,     'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Being Married To A Teacher

Satisfied Taxpayer

Dear INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience. It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer

Tax return

A woman walked into an accountant's office and told him that she needs to file her income tax return. The accountant says , "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "what is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore?"

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."

"Good enough for me", said the accountant.

A Woman's Touch

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

Interesting photos of the future AFTER the Arabs take over our ports

Oh Well!

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"