Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

The World's Thinnist Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore

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MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg

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MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill CLinton

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MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden & Willie Nelson

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THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates & The 'Donald'

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THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

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THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

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AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

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AMERICA 'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

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A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

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THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

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DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by PETA

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THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

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MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson

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HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy

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MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

The Witness

Disorder in the Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY:; Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

This is hilarious!   Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy!   

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.   
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2. Gentle,   relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat   produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
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3.  Lovemaking   can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.   
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4.  Sex is one of the safest sports   you can take up. It stretches   and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming   20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!   
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5.   Sex   is an instant cure for mild depression.   It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria   and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.  
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6.    The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!     
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7.    Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.                   
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8.     Kissing   each day will keep the dentist away.   Kiss ing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid  that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.   
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9.     Sex   actually relieves headaches.   A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.    
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10.   A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose.   Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and ha y fever.    
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This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original  is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The "Hot  Sex Fairy"   will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on.

If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest  of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals  will rot and fall off. This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price.

Do not keep this message. This message must leave your  e-mail in 96 hours. Please send ten copies and see what happens in four days. 

Since the copy must tour the world, you must send it. This is true, even if you are not superstitious.

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.

Subject: Hot Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age, visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorra! Twas horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided was not good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

A young guy from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.  I'll come down after we close and see how you did" His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! 

How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.  Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."


God Bless America

Subject: Fw: smart kid

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should  know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that results from a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "You'd better give Harry my job, I got all your questions wrong."

Bubba; applied for an engineering position at IBM in Raleigh, North Carolina. Yankee applied for the same job. Both applicants had the same qualifications and at the completion of a skills test, both men had only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said, "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked, "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being North Carolina, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question  that you both missed."

Bubba then asked, "And just how would one  incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied,  "Bubba, its like this, on question #4 the Yankee put down 'I don't know.'  You put down, 'Neither do  I.'"