Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Someone out there either has too much Spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

South Dakota News Vs New Orleans...

This text is from a county emergency manager out in the Western part of South Dakota State after the recent snow storm.

WEATHER BULLETIN

Up here in the Northern Plains we just recovered from a Historic event --- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions" --- with a historic blizzard of up to 44" inches of snow and winds to 90 MPH that broke trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed ALL roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10s of thousands.

FYI:

George Bush did not come....

FEMA did nothing....

No one howled for the government...

No one blamed the government

No one even uttered an expletive on TV...

Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit

Our Mayor's did not blame Bush or anyone else

Our Governor did not blame Bush or anyone else either

CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX, or NBC did not visit - or report on this category 5 snow storm

Nobody demanded  $2,000 debit cards.....

No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House....

No one looted....

Nobody - I mean Nobody demanded the government do something

Nobody expected the government to do anything either

No Larry King, No Bill O'Reilly, No Oprah, No Chris Mathews and No Geraldo Rivera

No Sean Penn, No Barbara Striesand, No Hollywood types to be found

And

Nope, we just melted the snow for water

Sent out caravans of SUV's to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars

The truck drivers pulled people out of snow banks and didn't ask for a penny

Local restaurants made food and the police and fire departments delivered it to the snow bound families

Families took in the stranded people - total strangers

We Fired up wood stoves

Broke out coal oil lanterns or coleman lanterns

We put on an extra layers of clothes because up here it is "Work or Die"

We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes for 'sittin at home' checks.

Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early...we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves.

"In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48 degrees North Latitude, 90% most of the world's social problems evaporate."

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!

Very eloquently put............don't you think?

Maxine on "Driver Safety"  "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Life"  "Life is like an oven. It burns my a**!"

Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

Maxine on "Lawn Care"  "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution"  "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging"  "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."

"My thoughts exactly" ~~~~~

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance to the store is a description of how the store operates:

"You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs." She thinks, "That's nice but I think I'd like more than that."

The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids." She thinks, "That's better, but I wonder what's up higher?"

The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are great looking and help with the housework." "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

SURGEONS CHOICE

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in; "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no spine and the head and the tail are interchangeable."

MANY OF YOU WILL NOT KNOW; THEREFORE CAN'T REMEMBER SOME OF NOT ALL THESE.

THE FUNNIEST PART IS HOW MANY THE SPELL CHECK HAVE UNDERLINED AS IT DOESN'T REMEMBER THEM

Do You Remember When? ???

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took five minutes for the TV warm up?

Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a quarter was a decent allowance?

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?

All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?

And you didn't pay for air?

And, you got trading stamps to boot?

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . And they did?

When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were most always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ." And playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, And share it with the children of today?

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Doody and the Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk. As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?

I am sharing this with you today Because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on. Remember the double dog dares?

How many of these do you remember?

Candy cigarettes

Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles

Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

Newsreels before the movie

P.F. Fliers

Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601).

Party lines

Peashooters

Howdy Doody

45 RPM records

Green Stamps

Hi-If's

Metal ice cubes trays with levers

Mimeograph paper

Beanie and Cecil

Roller-skate keys

Corkpop guns

Drive Ins

Studebakers

Washtub wringers

The Fuller Brush Man

Reel-To-Reel tape recorders

Tinkertoys

Erector Sets

The Fort Apache Play Set

Lincoln Logs

15 cent McDonald hamburgers

5 cent packs of baseball cards - With that awful pink slab of bubble gum

Penny candy

21 cent a gallon gasoline

Jiffy Pop popcorn

Do you remember a time when... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?

It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?

A foot of snow was a dream come true?

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?

Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?

War was a card game?

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown-up" life ..I double-dog-dare-ya!

Subject: Fw: Re: Apartment for Rent

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.  So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:


Dear Madam :

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat,  and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

Steven Wright's Gems

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the  erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff  had been  stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things  differently than  most do, to our amazement and amusement. 
 
       Here are some more of his gems: 
 
       1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 
       2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 
       3- Half the people you know are below average. 
       4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 
       5- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 
       6- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. 
       7- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. 
       8- The early bird may get the worm, the second mouse gets the  cheese. 
       9- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we  met. 
       10- OK, so what's the speed of dark? 
       11- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 
       12- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong  lane. 
       13- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to  avoid work. 
       14- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. 
       15- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. 
       16- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet  engines. 
       17- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 
       18- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 
       19- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 
       20- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness  of the  bread. 
       21- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no  lifeguard. 
       22- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have  film. 
       23- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from  many is research. 
       24- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to  catch up. 
       25- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I  made your horn louder."