Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Life cycle-watch closely............

This is awesome and I don't know how this was done.... If at first nothing happens, just wait. It's worth it! And my oh my, doesn't life seems to cycle JUST THIS FAST!!!!!!!

SMILE!

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

Lawyer Joke Of The Month

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this god-forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So ... do you think we should . well ... you know ... screw her?"
"Out of WHAT?" asked the other.

Subject: Reagan-Wisdom

Worth reading and repeating!

"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose."
- Ronald Reagan

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
- Ronald Reagan

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."
- Ronald Reagan

"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong."
- Ronald Reagan

"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."
- Ronald Reagan

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."
- Ronald Reagan

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."
- Ronald Reagan

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."
- Ronald Reagan

"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting."
- Ronald Reagan

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."
- Ronald Reagan

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
- Ronald Reagan

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."
- Ronald Reagan

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.
- Ronald Reagan




YOU AGREE, PLEASE FORWARD.....IF NOT JUST DELETE.

PONDERISMS

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

* Life is sexually transmitted.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

* Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

* Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

*Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

*If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

*Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

*Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

* Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

Nice rendition of what a baby has in its future. You must manually advance as it is not automatic.

Click here to start the Power Point Program

Prescription & Oil Supply

HERE'S A repeat but worth the reread if you missed it earlier.

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in: Alaska ,California, Oklahoma , TEXAS , UTAH and Wyoming

Our DIPSTICKS are located in : Washington DC

A friend stopped at a pay-at-the-pump gas station to get gas. Once she filled her gas tank and after paying at the pump and starting to leave, the voice of the attendant inside came over the speaker. He told her that something happened with her card and that she needed to come inside to pay. The lady was confused because the transaction showed complete and approved. She relayed that to him and was getting ready to leave but the attendant, once again, urged her to come in to pay or there'd be trouble. She proceeded to go inside and started arguing with the attendant about his threat. He told her to calm down and listen carefully:

He said that while she was pumping gas, a guy slipped into the back seat of her car on the other side and the attendant had already called the police.

She became frightened and looked out in time to see her car door open and the guy slip out. The report is that the new gang initiation thing is to bring back a woman and/or her car.. One way they are doing this is crawling under women's car while they're pumping gas or at grocery stores in the nighttime. The other way is slipping into unattended cars and kidnapping the women.

Please pass this on to other women, young and old alike. Be extra careful going to and from your car at night. If at all possible, don't go alone!
This is real!!

The message:

1. ALWAYS lock your car doors, even if you're gone for just a second!

2. Check underneath your car when approaching it for reentry, and check in the back before getting in.

3. Always be aware of your surroundings and of other individuals in your general vicinity, particularly at night!

Send this to everyone so your friends can take precaution.

AND GUYS...YOU TELL ANY WOMEN YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS Thanks,

Barbara Baker, Secretary Directorate of Training U.S. Army Military Police
School

THIS IS TOO SERIOUS ... DO NOT DELETE PLEASE PASS IT ON!