Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN

More For The Ladies

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

Subject: What did you choose?

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it. They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose?

Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it.

This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN








If you have chosen:

A. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

Also I bet that right now you would like to find me and kick my ass. Well, You won't find me....because I am still hunting down the person who sent this to me...

British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decided to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wandered around, taking in all the sights, and occasionally stopped at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he found himself in a very high-class area... big, stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really needed to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He found a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve the problem.

As he unzipped, he felt a tap on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who said, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He lead him to a back "delivery alley," then along a wall to a gate, which he opened. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away Sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow entered and found himself in the most beautiful garden he had ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he had the cop's blessing, he unburdened himself and became greatly relieved. As he meandered back through the gate, he mentioned to the Bobbie "That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Subject: YO DADDY

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!

So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ... and watch the 'spression on yo face.

The Gorilla

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, sleeveless pink dress, with thin straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silver back gorilla. The gorilla, noticing the woman, starts to go nuts. He jumps on the bars, holding on with one hand and both feet, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited about the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, and thought it was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along, and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely wild and he started doing flips.

The husband grabs his wife,............ Runs open the door to the cage,............. Flings her in with the gorilla, slams the door shut!......and says,......... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. ..












................. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Policeman testifies in court....................

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

Subject: HARVARD TEST

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat 
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on.

Subject: FARMERS DAUGHTERS

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

Fishermen & WOMEN WHO READ

One morning while on vacation a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,"Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"Yes, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"I see, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, Ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS. IT'S LIKELY SHE CAN ALSO THINK!!!