Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Subject: HARVARD READING TEST

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department

at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down, and I betcha you can't resist passing it on

Subject: A Drug Problem

Boy, this is SO true!!!

The Drug Problem in America
The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"

I replied: "I had a drug problem when I was young:"

I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

~author unknown~

Subject: New Government Seal

Subject: Old Timer's Bar

Four retired guys, two from California and two from Arizona, are walking down a street in Chicago. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar" "ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"

They look at each other, and then go in.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 4 men each asked for a martini.

In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida. They're waiting for happy hour."

Subject: Dementia Test

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are...

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)












First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?




Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!


Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)









Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?



Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 . Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add  10 . What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....












Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.


Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?









Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

 

He just  has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!

 

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

Humorous things you will see only in the countries shown

Click here to start the Power Point Program

Sausage Anyone?

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage".

The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you some things. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked you for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I asked you for a Taco, would ask me if I was a Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?

The clerk says, "Well no."

"And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish? What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"

"Well I probably wouldn't", said the clerk.

With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

13 Reasons to Smile

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow..that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't
have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just"chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Subject: The budweiser story   

The Budweiser Story (not a joke) This is TRUE!


How Budweiser handled those who laughed at those who died on the 11th of September, 2001...Thought you might like to know what happened in a little town north of Bakersfield, California.

After you finish reading this, please forward this story on to others so that our nation and people around the world will know about those who laughed when they found out about the tragic events in New York, Pennsylvania, and the Pentagon.

On September 11th, a Budweiser employee was making a delivery to a convenience store in a California town named McFarland. He knew of the tragedy that had occurred in New York when he entered the business to find the two Arabs, who owned the business, whooping and hollering to show their approval and support of this treacherous attack.

The Budweiser employee went to his truck, called his boss and told him of the very upsetting event! He didn't feel he could be in that store with those horrible people. His boss asked him, "Do you think you could go in there long enough to pull every Budweiser product and item our beverage company sells there? We'll never deliver to them aain." The employee walked in, proceeded to pull every single product his beverage company provided and left with an incredible grin on his face. He told them never to bother to call for a delivery again. Budweiser happens to be the beer of choice for that community. Just letting you know how Kern County handled this stuation.

And Now The Rest Of The Story:

It seems that the Bud driver and the Pepsi man are neighbors. Bud called Pepsi and told him. Pepsi called his boss who told him to pull all Pepsi products as well!!! That would include Frito Lay, etc.

Furthermore, word spread and all vendors followed suit! At last report, the store was closed indefinitely. Good old American Passive-Aggressive A$$ Whoopin!

Pass this along, America needs to know that we're all working together!

If you can read this... thank a teacher... if you are reading it in English....THANK A SOLDIER!!!

God Bless America !!