Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Accumulated over the years from e-mails received.

In neither any particular order nor by subject

And if you are under 18, you should change to another location.
Also, we have no idea of ownership or authorship beyond those mentioned.
And, if they should be removed , just say so.

Page 56 #s - 501 - 510


501.

50 YEARS TOGETHER

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad... "the important thing is that we're all here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great, Dad, I just flew in from L. A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I
knew that we loved each other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the dad, "and cheap ones, too!"


502. (Ed Note: The following elicited an answer from another recipient, which follows as # 502.)

H.L. Mencken was a great critic and observer of the American scene. He wrote this in the Baltimore Evening Sun on July 26,1920. He may also have been extremely prescient.

"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."


503. (Ed Note: Here is a response to the above email that I received.)

That's an interesting thought, but it could be more likely he was anticipating the election of Warren Harding 1921-1923, or Calvin Coolidge 1923-1929, or perhaps even Herbert Hoover 1929-1933. Actually his comment could be a pretty safe prediction. A non-moronic president seems to be the rarity. Whether those guys were a reflection of the popular vote is doubtful, women didn't even get the vote until 1929, not to mention minority groups.

Mr. Menken might be astonished to know that the plain folks of the land actually elected Al Gore by straight popular vote count. It was the Electoral College and the Supreme Court that got George W. Bush into office. After 9-11 people don't like to change presidents in the middle of a war.

So, it could be that old H.L got it wrong ........ maybe it actually works the other way around........


504.

Tattoo Of The Year (2006)


Tatoo of the year

Give us a sense of humor, Lord,
Give us the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.


Can you imagine sitting behind him in church??


505.

Subject: 4 LITTLE ANIMALS

You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make!

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.


506.

Subject: Doo-Wop Horses

Click below. Wait for the entire screen to load up with all four horses and a fence in front of them. Then click on each horse. Make sure your sound is on. Re-click on any horse to make it turn off or turn it back on again. Somebody did some real wizardry of programming to coordinate this! Try clicking on the horses from left to right then right to left then just one or two at a time... Do them in random order for some weird songs. It's fun and a good stress reliever.

Click here to start the Doo-Wop Horses Program


507.

Dog Lovers will enjoy this presentation.

Click here to start the Windows Media Program


508.

U.S. Senator Unhurt in Air Crash

The Associated Press reports that New York junior Senator Hillary Clinton, narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern New Jersey because of bad weather.

National Transportation Safety Board officials have issued a preliminary determination pilot error contributed to the accident, and the senator was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR [instrument flight rating] conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to Senator Clinton's aircraft.

She was very lucky.

Witch's flying machine

I don't care who you are this is funny!!!!!


509.

Subject: Stuff To Ponder

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about.

Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?



Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?


510. (Ed Note: Someone sent this to me, and it looks like an excerpt from a TV show. I would normally not include it. However, I laughed from beginning to end along with the crowd, and am sure you will also. You need to understand American English slang for this one.)

Click here for a continuous laughing spell

Click here to start the Windows Media Program


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