Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

521. Subject: A few Funnies

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Subject: Tolerance

The following (truly authentic) was sent by a Christian Arab:
Subject: Can a Good Muslim be a Good American?

I sent that question to a friend who worked in Saudi Arabia for 20 years. The following is his reply:

Theologically - no. Because his allegiance is to Allah, the moon god of Arabia.
Religiously - no. Because no other religion is accepted by Allah except Islam (Quran, 2:256)
Scripturally - no. Because his allegiance is to the five pillars of Islam and the Quran (Koran).
Geographically - no. Because his allegiance is to Mecca, to which he turns in prayer five times a day.
Socially - no. Because his allegiance to Islam forbids him to make friends with Christians or Jews.
Politically - no. Because he must submit to the mullah (spiritual leaders), who teach annihilation of Israel and Destruction of America, the great Satan.
Domestically - no. Because he is instructed to marry four women and beat and scourge his wife when she disobeys him (Quran 4:34).
Intellectually - no. Because he cannot accept the American Constitution since it is based on Biblical principles and he believes the Bible to be corrupt.
Philosophically - no. Because Islam, Muhammad, and the Quran do not allow freedom of religion and expression. Democracy and Islam cannot co-exist.. Every Muslim government is either dictatorial or autocratic.
Spiritually - no. Because when we declare "one nation under God," the Christian's God is loving and kind, while Allah is NEVER referred to as heavenly father, nor is he ever called love in The Quran's 99 excellent names.

Therefore after much study and deliberation.... perhaps we should be very suspicious of ALL MUSLIMS in this country. They obviously cannot be both "good" Muslims and good Americans. Call it what you wish.... it's still the truth.

If you find yourself intellectually in agreement with the above statements, perhaps you will share this with your friends. The more who understand this, the better it will be for our country and our future.
Pass it on Fellow Americans. The religious war is bigger than we know or understand.

Subject: Railroads Track Width History

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells? ...



The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.



Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same peop le who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.



Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

;

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.


And the ruts in the roads?



Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they< were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing..



The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bure aucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army



chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story



When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred t o make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through



that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.



..... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

Subject: An Excellent Card Trick

Hi! This is for stupid a person! Check it out and see if you qualify!!

Pretty scary, it works.




The 'Le Woogie' Card Trick. Performed by: Le Woogie
Pick one of the following cards. Don ' t click on it; just keep it in your head.




scroll down when you have your card,


Think about your card for 20 seconds in front of Le Woogie.



Le Woogie will attempt to read your mind! Scroll down after 20 Seconds







The Great Le Woogie Has Removed Your Card!




SCARY ISN'T IT Now scroll up and do it again, this will freak you out.

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525.

BEST QUOTE!

In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward Hizbollah.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving Hizbollah is God's function. The Israeli's job is to arrange the meeting."

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526.

Interesting disclosures of doctoring or posing for "News" photos by major News Media Outlets

Click here to start the Flash Program

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527.

You can make the book pages change, the head and the fur on the coat move as you pass your mouse of these objects.

Click here to start the Flash Program

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528.

Subject: Try This

A little test to do at your desk..... How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

TRY THIS NOW!

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be able to believe it either!!!

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529.

Subject: Italian Television

Italian Television

This is the hostess for an Italian afternoon t.v . talk show.





American Television

These are the hostesses for American afternoon t.v. talk shows.



To enroll in your nearest language school to learn Italian call:
800-555-caio.

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530.

Subject: USS REAGAN, alongside the USS ARIZONA memorial.

USS REAGAN

Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective...................ENORMOUS

Just thought some of you that don't realize what it takes to run a ship this size might be interested in the facts.

Please read about the USS Reagan. Also notice the respect that they give the Arizona Memorial when passing it.

This is absolutely beautiful!

USS REAGAN PASSING THE ARIZONA MEMORIAL



BEAUTIFUL!
When the Bridge pipes "Man the Rail" there is a lot of rail to man on this monster. Shoulder to shoulder around 4 square acres. This doesn't give her displacement but it's about 100,000 tons with full complements.

Capability
Top speed exceeds 30 knots
Powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
Carries over 80 combat aircraft
Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

Size
Towers 20 stories above the waterline
1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet

Dates
Dec. 8, 1994 Contract awarded to Newport News Shipbuilding
Feb 12, 1998 Keel laid
Oct 1, 2000 Pre-commissioning Unit established
March 4, 2001 Christened by Mrs. Nancy Reagan
May 5, 2003 First underway
July 12, 2003 Commissioned
July 23, 2004 Arrived at home port in San Diego, CA

Capacity
Home to about 6,00 0 Navy personnel
Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
18,150 meals served daily
Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2000 homes
Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones, 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation
Costs the Navy approximately $2.5 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).

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