Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Subject: My Favorite One Liners

Ø When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Ø Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Ø Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
Ø I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Ø Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
Ø I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served.
Ø The road to success is always under construction.
Ø I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!
Ø Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Ø Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of your time.
Ø When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ø Born free; Taxed to death.
Ø Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don't have film.
Ø Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Ø Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.
Ø I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
Ø A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Ø The hardest part of skating is the ice.
Ø The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
Ø The trouble with being punctual is that there's no one there to appreciate it.
Ø If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?
Ø If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
Ø Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon!
Ø If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Ø It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Ø I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Ø Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers)

612. (Ed Note: This Flash showing is so great I had to include it. You may click on the link in the upper left corner to go to its source. Also, in order to make it work, just pass your mouse indicator over the little bears, any or all of them and see what happens. Fabulous, I know you will enjoy this one as well as I have.)

Subject: A quickie

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight
test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Subject: THE ORIGINAL COMPUTER

Memory was something you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy. . . . .



. . . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

PROUD to be WHITE!!!

Someone else besides me finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this?

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc. and then there are just Americans.

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me "White boy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman" and that's OK.

But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towelhead, Sand-nigger, camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink you call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Caesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi
You have the NAACP.
You have BET.

If we had WET (White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists. If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists. If we had White History Month, we'd be racists. If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" our lives, we'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays forthat?

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US, yet if there were "White colleges" that would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud. But, you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists?

There is nothing improper about this email.

Let's see which of you are proud enough to forward it.

This is titled "Woman's Body, Art"

Click here to start the Power Point Program

Subject: Math

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K N O W L E D G E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top...

Subject: Emergency Room Service

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the internet onto the front of my shirt.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.

Here's the patch.  Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service. Scroll down......