Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Subject: A Lesson In Spanish

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House"for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'"?

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups , male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"),because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

Subject: 7 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN

#1 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
-----------------
#2 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
------------------
#3 A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
------------------
#4 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
------------------
#5 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
------------------
#6 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
-------------------
#7 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
-------------------
It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

"In the abundance of water the fool is thirsty."---Bob Marley

Subject: Pictures to make you smile























If you don't pass this along to at least 5 friends, a dog will come out and pee on your computer

(((((Poof)))))



hehehehe I guess you didn't send it fast enough lol

Subject: The artist in ALL of us!!!- FUN -

THIS IS MINDBOGGELING.........EVERY TIME YOU CLICK ON YOUR MOUSE IT CHANGES COLOR.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT....

Chinese Proverb:
"When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others."

Subject: New Sex Study

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Subject: Astonishing phonecall don't miss a word (you dont have to be jewish)

Subject: 2008 HoDown

An excellent presentation musical concerning the 2008 presidential bid between two ladies. The guy who did this one deserves a lot of credit for a great job.

Click here to start the Power Point Program

Subject: Jokes

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
------------------------------------------------------
For Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
-------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
---------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied, "I've  been divorced three times."
 
-------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
 
------------------------------------------------------
 
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.

Subject: More Jokes

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the express check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
--------------------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said, "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
-----------------------------------------------------

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
--------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked,"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?
"Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving'!"
-------------------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
--------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
--------------------------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
-------------------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied,"Take the poison."

Subject: Photos du jour