Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Subject: The Politician

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a republican could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Subject: Democratic National Convenetion 2008 Agenda

"If you don't read it all, read the last one.
This is great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Democratic National Convention 2008 Agenda

7:00P..............Opening flag burning.
7:15P..............Pledge of allegiance to U.N.
7:30P..............Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:30P-8:00P....Nonreligious prayer and worship led by Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
8:00P..............Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:05P..............Ceremonial tree hugging.
8:15P-8:30P....Gay wedding with Barney Frank presiding.
8:30P..............Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:35P..............Free Saddam Rally organized by Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon.

8:45P..............Speech on "The Caliber of American Troops In Iraq" by Slapstick Comic Senator John Kerry.
9:00P..............Keynote speech on "The Proper Etiquette for Surrender" by French President Jacques Chirac.
9:15P..............Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:20P..............Collection to benefit Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund.
9:30P..............Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay by Sean Penn.
9:40P..............A short talk by William Jefferson Clinton on "Why I Dislike the Military."

9:45P..............Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
9:50P..............Dan Rather presented "Truth in Broadcasting" award, presented by Michael Moore.
9:55P..............Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:00P............Expose on "How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld Brought Down the World Trade Center Towers" by Howard Dean.
10:30P............Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Mahmud Ahmadinejad.
11:00P............Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
11:05P............Al Gore reinvents the Internet.
11:15P............A short talk on "Our Troops are War Criminals" by Senator John Kerry.
11:30P............Coronation of Ms. Rodham Clinton.
12:00A............Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:05A............Bill asks Ted to drive Hi llary home.

Subject: Math & The World We Live In

I wonder who on earth figured this one out. ruthe
Magic Math..... 1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

#2

The world we live in (have your sound on) Bob/Mack

Cute. Go to this link
http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf

Subject: They walk among us!

1.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
Caution...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
2.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where???"
They Walk among us!!
====================
3.
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
====================
4.
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" .
They Walk Among Us!!!
====================
5.
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
They Walk Among Us!!!!
====================
6.
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk..
They Walk Among Us!!!!!
====================
7.
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!
====================
8.
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
====================
9.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
====================
10.
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
====================
They walk among us, AND reproduce!

Subject: Retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticked. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

Subject: Family & Friends

I just could not resist sending this card.

Hope you share this with others and make their day!!! Make sure you have your sound on. click here------

http://cardfountain.com/ecards/snggrndhg01/index.php?pid=21348&enm=1&aid

Now here is a great collection of 'Bumper Stickers.' You will have to click to advance.

Click here to start the Power Point Program

Subject:Let's See How SMART You Are

Can You Figure these Out???

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that
haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?



2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water
for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they
both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can
this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

DON'T PEEK...............................

ANSWERS:




1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.

3. Charcoal

4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

5. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph

Subject: The USS New York

New Military Vessel... Read on down to see what it is made of!

USS New York

With a year to go before it even touches the water, the Navy's amphibious assault ship USS New York has already made history. It was built with 24 tons of scrap steel from the World Trade Center

USS New York is about 45 percent complete and should be ready for launch in mid-2007. Katrina disrupted construction when it pounded the Gulf Coast last summer, but the 684-foot vessel escaped serious damage, and workers were back at the yard near New Orleans two weeks after the storm.

It is the fifth in a new class of warship - designed for missions that include special operations against terrorists. It will carry a crew of 360 sailors and 700 combat-ready Marines to be delivered ashore by helicopters and assault craft.

"It would be fitting if the first mission this ship would go on is to make sure that bin Laden is taken out, his terrorist organization is taken out," said Glenn Clement, a paint foreman. "He came in through the back door and knocked our towers down and (the New York ) is coming right through the front door, and we want them to know that."

Steel from the World Trade Center was melted down in a foundry in Amite, La., to cast the ship's bow section. When it was poured into the molds on Sept. 9, 2003, "those big rough steelworkers treated it with total reverence," recalled Navy Capt. Kevin Wensing, who was there. "It was a spiritual moment for everybody there."

Junior Chavers, foundry operations manager, said that when the trade center steel first arrived, he touched it with his hand and the "hair on my neck stood up." "It had a big meaning to it for all of us," he said. "They knocked us down. They can't keep us down. We're going to be back."

The ship's motto? - 'Never Forget'