Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Subject: I DID NOT KNOW THAT!

If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capitol which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington.

Subject: A Story

A woman & a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.

Subject: Bee Sting Relief

This is an email I received and am passing it on Bee Sting A couple of weeks ago I was unfortunate enough to get stung by both a bee and hornet while working in the garden. My arm swelled up so off to the doctor I went. The clinic gave me cream and an antihistamine. The next day the swelling was getting progressively worse so off to my regular doctor I went.

What was interesting is what the Dr. told me. The next time you get stung put a penny on the bite for 15 minutes. I thought, wow next time (if there ever is one) I will try it.

Well that night My niece got stung by two bees. When she came over to swim I looked at the bite and it had already started to swell. So off I went to get my money. Taped a penny to her arm for 15 minutes. The next morning, there was no sign of a bite. Wow were we surprised.

Well guess what happened again on Saturday night, you are right I got bit again by a hornet on my left hand. Was I ticked. I thought here I go again having to go to the doctor for yet another antihistamine. Well I promptly went into the house, again got my money out and taped two pennies to my bites and then sat and sulked for 15 minutes.

The penny took the string out of the bite immediately. I still wasn't sure what was going to the spot where he had got me. No redness, no swelling.

Just wanted to share the marvelous information in case any of you are experiencing the same problem at home. We need to have a stock of pennies on hand at school.

The Dr. said somehow the copper in the penny counteracts the bite. I would never had believed it. But it definitely does work

Subject: Can You find the "C"?

Can you find the C? (Good exercise for the eyes!)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Once you've found the C.......... Find the 6!

9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999

Once you've found the 6... Find the N! (it's hard!!)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Once you've found the N... make a wish! OK, now that you've made a wish, it will come true.....all you have to do is send this on saying, "Can you find the C?" Rxxxxx

Subject: Some jokes

We all know that in Spanish and other languages, non-living things have a gender. Did you know it's the same here??

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady.

Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys.

Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of Montreal , walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of Montreal and crossed the street to the CIBC. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Montreal deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a CIBC deposit slip or go back to Bank of Montreal Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of Montreal . Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Manitoba robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign; he probably figured it out himself.

Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.

Subject: Bumper Stickers

"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A BattleOf Wits
With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does
My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND Finally

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED
TO BE CHANGED OFTEN,AND FOR
THE SAME REASON"

There is a factory in southern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two TEST TICKLES!.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said; "well I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around,, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said , "My goodness, 5 loaves...it'll get hard."

He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?

A guy walks into an empty bar and says, "Hey, Bartender, give me a drink."

So the guy sits down, sipping his drink, when he hears a small voice, "I like your tie."

The man turns to the bartender and says, "Did you say some thing?"

"No, I didn't say anything," says the bartender.

The man shrugs it off. And again he hears the small voice call out, "Your hair looks really nice."

The man turns to the bartender and asks. "There it goes again, didn't you hear that?"

"No, replied the bartender, "I didn't hear anything."

Once again, the man returns to his drink when he hears, "Gee, that suit looks great on you."

"Bartender!" exclaimed the man, "I am absolutely sure I heard something. What's going on here?"

"Oh", said the bartender. "That must be our peanuts. They're complimentary."