Subject: A Reason To Laugh Today

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You went to college and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 4%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything except my earrings."

Subject: Sometimes

S O M E T I M E S



Sometimes...

When you cry...

No one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

When you are in pain...

No one sees your hurt.



Sometimes...

When you are worried..

No one sees your stress.



Sometimes...

When you are happy..

No one sees your smile .

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But FART!! Just ONE time...



And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!



Send this on to your friends and make them laugh.

Subject: THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A kady was picking through the frozen turkeys a the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that Reads, " Low Bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead Of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says,
"NO, I WAS DELIVERING THIS BRIDGE AND RAN OUT OF GAS."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if
tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Subject: LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, willroll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, younever get a busy signal.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath :When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meetingsomeone you know increases when you are with someoneyou don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someonethat a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:The severity of the itch isinversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whoseseats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two peoplein a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-facedjelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of thecarpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there youare.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that youreally like, they will stop making it.

Here are some really great natural photos from the National Geographic Society

Click here to start the Power Point Program

Subject: A Woman's Christmas Wish

Have We Been Naughty? OR Have We Been Nice? Answer Me This And Your Christmas Gift Just Might Be... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Subject: THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A MOMENT

North Dakota News

This text is from a county emergency manager out in the western part of North Dakota state after the recent snow storm.

SPRING BLIZZARD WEATHER REPORT
Up here in the Northern Plains we just recovered from a Historic event--- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions" -- with a historic blizzard of up to 44" inches of snow and winds to 90 MPH that broke trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed ALL roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands.

FYI:
George Bush did not come.

FEMA did nothing.

No one howled for the government.

No one blamed the government.

No one even uttered an expletive on TV.

Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit.

Our Mayor's! did not blame Bush or anyone else.

Our Governor did not blame Bush or anyone else either

CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX, or NBC did not visit - or report on this category 5 snow storm nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards.

No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House.

No one looted.

Nobody - I mean Nobody demanded the government do something.

Nobody expected the government to do anything either.

No Larry King, No Bill O'Rielly, No Oprah, No Chris Mathews and No
Geraldo Rivera. No Shaun Penn, No Barbara Striesand, No Hollywood
types to be found.

Nope, we just melted the snow for water. Sent out caravans of SUV's to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars. The truck drivers pulled people out of snow banks and didn't ask for a penny. Local restaurants made food, and the police and fire departments delivered it to the snow bound families. Families took in the stranded people - total strangers. We Fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Coleman lanterns. We put on an extra layers of clothes because up here it is "Work or Die". We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes for 'sittin at home' checks. Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early, we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves.

"In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48 degrees North Latitude, 90% of the world's social problems evaporate." It does seem that way, at least to me.

I hope this gets passed on..

Maybe ... some people will get the message .. The world does NOT owe you a living.

Subject: This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking...