Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Subject: A Scary Warning

THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOPIN OUR COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper .  Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.  Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become!  This extension work was apparently done at night !!  Very sneaky stuff..

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection  ........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.  Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large?  Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?  Heck !  I would never let myself weigh that much!  Just who do these people think they're fooling?

 I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack!   Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.   PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!

PS:   I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's regular fonts to be smaller than they once were.  (They must be sneaking to my house and messing around with my computer.  Probably CIA....!!!) Pretty scary stuff huh?

Subject: The Year 1906

This will completely blow your mind!

1906 - 2006



THE YEAR 1906

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906:

************************************

The average life expectancy in the U.S.
was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City
cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles
of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more
heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st
most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year .

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year,? a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year?

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME.

Ninety percent of all US. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over
the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists
said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,
regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian
of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least
one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing
it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States
possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH....!

Subject: The Wizard of . . . . . . .

Thought you'd get a kick out of this one!

 Four United States Presidents got caught up in a tornado and off they whirled to the land of OZ.




They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.



"What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz? "



Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said: "I've come for some courage."



" No Problem! said the Wizard . Who's next? "

Richard Nixon stepped forward, "Well, I think I need a heart."



"Done!" says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"



Up stepped George and said, "I'm told by the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem! said the Wizard. Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, But he doesnt say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "Well, what do you want?"



"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

Subject: Age Has Some Merits

Toward the end of the church service, the Minister asked the Congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

All held up their hands except one small, elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any", she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-Eight", she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."



Have a wonderful day!

Subject: Female Math

THE MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?  I don't think so.

A great cartoon story you have to see. You may need to advance manually.

Click here to start the Power Point Program

Subject: Santa

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I' ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I' m IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season



~~ Enjoy the little things,
for one day you may look back
and realize they were the big things. ~~

Subject: Memorial

IN MEMORIAL

PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ......AND THEN FORWARD!



It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe ended. This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the six million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians and 1900 Catholic priests who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned, starved and humiliated with the German and Russian peoples looking the other way!  Now, more than ever, with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be "a myth," it is imperative to make sure the world never forgets.

This e-mail is intended to reach forty million people worldwide!

Join us and be a link in the memorial chain and help us distribute it around the world.

Please send this e-mail to 10 people you know and ask them to continue the memorial chain. Please don't just delete it. It will only take you a minute to pass this along - Thanks!

"If you will not fight for right when you can easily win without bloodshed; if you will not fight when your victory is sure and not too costly; you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a precarious chance of survival. There may even be a worse case.  You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves."

Winston Churchill