Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

*Subject:* Say What?????????/

For your amusement - aren't humans great?

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
 
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn! to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh.

Subject: Progressive Education

PULEEZE - read this all the way through! Thanks.

Scenario:Bob pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. He Sits still in class.

2006 Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973 Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 Five high school boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2006 Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system & Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 Ants die.

2006 ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him..

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator, and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

All in the name of progress!
Enjoy your day.

Subject: A Christmas Tree

This is NOT a Holiday Tree

This is a Christmas tree.
It is not a Hanukkah bush,
it is not an Allah plant,
it is not a Holiday hedge.
It is a Christmas tree.

Say it... CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas , CHRISTmas

Yes. CHRISTmas - celebrating the Birth of Jesus Christ!!!

Take a stand and pass this on !!

jxxx

Subject: When men give the wrong gifts

Subject: Capital One: Fraudsters gained control over your credit card.

Dear customer!

According to international security requirements of Visa and MasterCard payment systems, we have to inform you about the following notice:

Fifth of December 2006, security department of our bank marked an unauthorized access to our processing server centre, and intruders took control over all credit cards.

After close inspection, we learned that intruders would be able to change your credit cards data for their needs and use them in illegal operations. We have found a way to secure you against fraudulent actions.

You need to visit our site and input your authentic data, which will be verified with existent information. If the data would not match – we will contact you for re-issue of your card. Using these security measures, we will prevent fraudsters from getting access to your card.

http://www.sexxxxxx-capxxxxxne.bz I have disabled this link. (Ed Note the .bz That is NOT New York, but Belize.)

We ask you to approach this notice with responsibility, because that is the one way to keep all your money safe. We require being attentive with this information.

Security Department
of Processing Centre,
Capital One Bank.

Capital One Bank, Capital One, F.S.B., members FDIC. ©2006 Capital One Services, Inc.
Capital One is a federally registered service mark. All rights reserved.

You will enjoy these photos if you like really colorful scenes. They advance automatically

Click here to start the Power Point Program

Subject: Taking a woman to bed

The motto of this story is; what you can do today, don't delay it until tomorrow. Gxxxxx

What is the difference between girls/woman
aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?



At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.



At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.



At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.



At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.



At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.



At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.



At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!



At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Subject: OBGYN visit

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.

"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said,"You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."