Jokes, Stories, Cartoons: Good, Bad, or Indifferent

Subject: Lawyers

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over four million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness, and that she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So...if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Subject: NEW OFFICE POLICY

NEW OFFICE POLICIES DRESS CODE:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If We see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume  you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary; the funeral should be scheduled in The late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently  leave one hour early.

BATHROOM BREAKS
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three Minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under The "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

**Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Subject: New public toilet

Subject: GUTS AND BALLS

Medical Distinction:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.....

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Subject: Health Care Today

Two patients limp into two different American medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, has a time booked for surgery the next day and, within two days, is home recuperating.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
.
.
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen

Here is a great Rabbit and Snake photo movie

Click here to start the Windows Media Program

Subject: Another Blonde Joke

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blond catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blond says brightly "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blond gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on  the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blond.  He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in New York and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK."

English	Chinese
That's not right	Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?	Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP	Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man	Dum Fuk
Small Horse	Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?	Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table	Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift	Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here	Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet	Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone	No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week	Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight	Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile	Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive	Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great	Fa Kin Su Pa